Bit of Ivory

So we’re doing Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare (joy.), and today we got
a rather funny little maze: “Help Juliet find her true love by
following the words of the balcony scene!” If you took a wrong turn,
you ended up with wrong words. Here are a few of my favorites:
O Romeo, Romeo,
What kind of a name is Romeo?
Why couldn’t I have fallen for a guy with a normal name
Like Paris or Albany or even Cincinnatus?
O Romeo, Romeo,
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Come to think of it,
Wherefore art thou Mercutio, Benvolio,
and that cute Balthazar?
Deny thy father and confuse thy name.
Change it to Tom or Dick or Harry
And my father will never catch on.
Deny thy father and refuse thy name
Or if thou wilt not,
Forget the romance, buster.
Go get yourself some other babe who likes
To have some nut climbing over her garden wall
At all hours of the night.
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.
O, be some other name!
And do something about those ridiculous clothes.
Really! I absolutely refuse to go around
With a guy who wears tights.
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title.
Romeo, doff thy name.
Doff thy hat, too. Where are your manners?
And also, stop carousing with your crazy gang.
What do you think this is, West Side Story?
And for that name, which is no part of thee, Take a hike, buddy. This
new guy, Hamlet, is just as cute as you.
For once, something cool in Shakespeare.