Bit of Ivory

I saw him again today.

It’s infuriating, really. Do you want to know why I can climb so easily into Ginny’s head?

I’ve been head-over-heels in love with a boy for the past FIVE YEARS.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

Even more so, because I know I haven’t got a chance. Know for absolute certain. Because I told him once. A little under four years ago, I wrote him a letter, telling him that I cared more for him than just friendship. I knew what the answer would be. I almost hoped for it, in fact– because then, knowing the worst, I could forget him.

Fat chance.

When I got his letter back, it said just about what I expected it to– that he liked me as a friend, but that he wasn’t interested in more than that. Can I blame him? I’m 4 months older than him, but we’re a year apart in school. He’s gorgeous, talented, popular–everything I’m not. Of course, I was hurting for a while– but then I got over it. The crush seemed to be gone, and I truly believed I felt only friendship for him (anyone hearing echoes of my fanfic?).

Hah.

Then he left on his mission– two years in Brazil. I didn’t see him or talk to him for two years. I got 2 letters in that time– nice, friendly letters. With no hint of anything else. But it was while he was gone that I realized I had been deluding myself. Part of it was, of course, that he kept haunting my dreams. Every single time I had a romantic type dream, it was him. Sometimes it wasn’t really him– he was supposed to be Clark Kent, or some such thing– but it was his face, his personality. The only dream I can think of for the past 3 years where it wasn’t him was one I had three nights ago– I was married to Mark Hamill in that one (don’t even ask, I have NO IDEA where it came from). Other than that, it’s been him.

And the fact that I haven’t really interested in any other guy. There was one guy– Mark. I worked with him at Deseret Book. We seemed to be really compatible– I mean, he dressed up like Harry at our Harry Potter Party when GoF came out, and he could quote What’s Up, Doc? like he’d been born a Bytheway. But I wouldn’t let myself fall for him, because I was sick and tired of being in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. That was more than 2 years ago. No other guy has come along since.

When he got home from his mission, he came down here to BYU. And he’s shown absolutely zero interest in me. But I run into him all over campus. This semester the first time I saw him, he was standing with his back toward me. I could tell it was him from the back of his head. The next time, all I saw was the top of his head (I was going up stairs and he was on the ground floor). I could still tell it was him. The third time he was actually looking at me– we both said “hi” as we passed. Today, it was the back of his head again. He’s THAT familiar to me.

It would be so much easier if he was a jerk. That way, he could really, really hurt me, and I’d be able to get over him. Instead, he’s still the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful guy I have ever met. Every time I see him, it just makes me love him more.

Or maybe if I met someone else. But no one I’ve ever met can hold a candle to him. *sigh*

Now you know why I want Harry and Ginny to get together. I want *one* of us to finally get the guy.

Sorry about the long rant. But it’s been on my mind lately, and I just had to get it down in letters.